Note To Dirty Old Men...

There are way too many lug-heads in this world, most of them gather at watering holes like the U.S. Congress and Senate or even the White House.

But I digress...

There's a well-known hilarious comedian who has a great bit regarding stupid things people say. He goes through his bit then says, "Here's your sign..."

I'd like to give out sticky notes that one would stick to their forehead for those occasions when someone is offensive or does something bone headed.

Note to Dirty Old Men…

Look, I’m over 50, it’s not as if this type of thing happens to me constantly, I guess to a 90 year old, I might be considered hot. However, true as that case might or might not be, this does not give license to old geezers to flirt or otherwise engage me in a familiar manner, if you catch my drift here. You may think because you’ve reached a ripe old age this somehow entitles you to act in any way you choose, but the fact is, it doesn’t.

Case in point. I was making a return to Home Depot. What people don’t understand who don’t know me is, it’s a struggle for me to be patient. It’s also a struggle for me not to tear you up one side down the other with a tongue lashing should you step out of line. Therefore, it is truly an inner battle for me to remain Christ-like in manner and speech when someone like this 87 year old starts flirting with me at the counter when I made the criminal mistake of deferring to him after the clerk asked, “Next?”

I replied, “I believe this gentleman [so very sorry I used the description “gentleman”] was here before me.” Turns out, he was already being helped, he was just waiting for the clerk to return.

I’m wondering what in that sentence gave you, Old Geezer, the impression I wanted you to engage me in conversation.

You began to tell me all about the run around you had been given going from counter to counter until you landed next to me (insert ode to my good fortune…). Since you were describing your plight with a positive sense of humor, I kept a smile on my face and mumbled something like, “I’m sorry you had so much trouble…hope this doesn’t happen to me.”

Then you did something distasteful. You came into my personal space rather suddenly and said in a conspiratorial tone, “Do you know what I have in common with President Obama?”

Given the fact this was a very old whiter than white man, short, and did I say ancient? I was barely able to pretend interest when I replied with trepidation, “I can’t imagine what you would have in common with the man…”

To my utter dismay, he moved even closer. I thank the Lord at least he didn’t have that dried old-person-smell. Then he said, “He’s 50 and…” expecting me to finish the sentence ignoring the fact I was recoiling I replied, “And you're celebrating a birthday too?”

With glee he slapped the counter and exclaimed, “Yes, I’m 87 today!”

At this point my clerk returned and asked me a question. I silently prayed that this would put an end to the banter, but alas, it was not to be.

Old-Geezer kept flirting and chattering rudely through the clerk’s questions to me and while I can’t remember the exact words, he said something about the commendable job he thought President Obama was doing.

Oh tell me he did not just say something so colossally stupid!

I am human. I tried to be pleasant. I could have stepped in any number of times and cut him to shreds, especially when he had the supreme audacity to flirt with me no less bring up a political discussion with a complete stranger.

I wanted to ask, "What planet do you live on where it’s OK to hit on a strange woman at least 30 years your Jr. and then attempt to drag her into a discussion about your personal political viewpoint? Were you living on Neptune all these years Old Man and therefore never heard in your 87 years that this is not ever an OK thing to do?!"

As I wrapped things up, placing my receipts etc. into my purse instead of what I wanted to say, I mumbled something like, “Well, I guess I see things much differently.”

Incredulously he almost shouted, “Well at least he’s not Bush!”

No, he did not just say that...

It was a supreme act of kindness that all I said over my shoulder as I turned my back and walked away was, “Well at least George W. Bush has a modicum of intelligence!”

How does a person even breathe with such a useless organ between their ears as this ancient man possessed??? I asked myself as I left him in my dust.

Then not fifteen minutes later as I pulled into our local coffee specialty shop to support our local businesses even though I really didn’t feel like a drink of coffee, I apparently made another huge mistake in front of another old man!

I had never gone into this particular establishment. When I entered I saw two people waiting in line on the far side of the shop. I made eye contact with the woman and the woman only and asked, “Is this the line?” Referring to where I was standing.

Bald 70-Something Dude not only answers but comes walking--or I should say waddling over to me, as if I was requiring his physical assistance. He explained over the woman that no, their line wasn't the line. I was standing right where I needed to be. He rooted himself, right on the spot with me in my line chattering away.

Sigh…

For crying out loud! Again, I assumed the Lord wanted to teach me patience so I smiled and said something pleasant and prayed 70-Something wouldn’t follow me back to the line he came from. After I paid for my double espresso (make that a double Bourbon, Oh, you don't have that drink here??) I thanked him for his help. He didn't follow me to the pick-up line. Thankfully.

Was it my cheap cologne I was wearing that day? What the heck…??

Note to very old Dudes—never, ever assume a woman you haven't met a) wants you to flirt with them and b) wants to discuss politics with you. Just because you think you’re a cute dirty old man doesn’t mean anyone else on the planet sees you in any form that would even begin to include “cuteness…” Please, for the sake of female humanity, get a full-length mirror, put this sticky note with "stupid head" right there on your crusty wrinkled forehead and actually look at yourself you old fool!